Let me start by saying I AM NOT PREGNANT… nor will I be any time soon.
Now isn’t the the time for us but I am feeling confused as to whether I am even ready or not.
When will I be ready?
Before Isabelle turned 1 it wasn’t even something I considered but now she needs me less and less, or at least it feels that way, I keep thinking it would be nice to have another tiny baby.
She no longer needs me to feed her bottles, she plays independently and she can walk…
I know she’s wholeheartedly dependent on me and will be for many years to come but as she grows, it feels different.
Simply, she’s no longer a baby and I struggle with the word “toddler”.
Then I think back to the early days of Motherhood…
I’m not ready to repeat it, in fact I’m scared to, so why do I feel broody?
It feels like a matter of heart or head and I only have to thinking of the sleepless nights and my head wins, hands down… if my head had hands…
Then I see a pregnancy announcement or hear of a friend who has given birth and I get that pang in the pit of my stomach.
If I was pregnant again I would automatically feel anxious about nausea, pelvic girdle pain, labour and birth. Recovering from birth, sleepless nights and breastfeeding. I clearly need to come to terms with my experience of the fourth trimester before I do it again and with a toddler in tow.
When thinking back to the early days I remember constant anxiety, tears and not too much else.
Based on past experiences I genuinely feel like I let Isabelle and myself down the first time. I didn’t enjoy it and I will never get that experience ever again.
I am broody for a small, tiny, gorgeous baby… but I think I am more broody to do it again so I can do better.
I want to go back to the beginning and do it all again, knowing what I know now and being who I’ve become.
I want to go and do it all again with Isabelle, which is impossible and that breaks my heart.
She’s growing and it’s like I missed it the first time round, even though I had a front row seat. I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t the Mum that I eventually became.
So there is a thought in my subconscious to have another so I get to “try again”.
How awful does that sound?!
Doing it again will not be anything like the first time.
The pregnancy, birth and postpartum period could ALL be completely different so my fear and anxiety may be unfounded.
The next baby could also be completely different to Isabelle. I know her, I know all of her perculiarities (and there are a few!).
Give me another baby and I wouldn’t know what to do… so… will I feel as helpless as I did the last time?
I don’t know what the answer is… but I do know that I have things to come to terms with before we have another.
I need to deal with my postpartum anxiety, which as much I have it under control most of the time, I am terrified of it reoccurring the way it did before.
I need to say to myself:
I did not fail.
I did not miss anything.
I did my best.
To anyone else who is confused about whether they are ready and/or this is the time to have another baby, I have no words of wisdom, unfortunately.
Please just know that you are not alone.
Perhaps you have your own experiences to work through and feel that you’ll never be ready for a second.
Maybe it was a difficult or complicated pregnancy, a traumatic birth or Postnatal Depression; the list is endless. I’m sure that friends and family have said that it will be different the next time round but ultimately, whilst you know that might be the case, these are your experiences and we can’t just wish them away with positivity.
Maybe time is what we need or maybe you’ll never be ready and either way, that is okay.
How did you know that you were ready for number 2? Or know that one was enough?
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